I saw that on pintrest a while back and its always tugged on my heart just a little bit - Ok a lot a bit. Well, a lot has happened in the last year. I look back and see where I was and what I've become each and every day. This time though - God was there.
I graduated high school and was accepted to Liberty University. - My first semester, I got into a theatre production as a freshman, which was kind of unheard of around there. I knew God had blessed me with a gift in performance, but I didn't use it right. During middle school I developed a need to hurt myself physically. My relationship with God was nonexistent. Well I had accepted him into my heart when I was seven, but we weren't walking together - yet.
I was anxious and worried all the time, and felt the need to get the emotions out without crying. I would instead reach for a blade. Senior year of high school - I was finally settled into Williamsburg, but not really. Inside I was a battered mess. Diet Pills, Self Harming, and Purging were all a part of my life - I was headed down a dark path close to drowning.
It was during that time he carried me, there was no way that I was strong enough to walk that journey. I was struggling and defeated as it was. I wasn't going to last much longer without HIM.
A woman picked me up and knocked some sense into me. But I'll tell that story later. I want to talk about what happened a year and three days ago. I had come back to my dorm at Liberty from a therapy session. It had not been pleasant for me. No one in the quad - I didn't feel safe. I called my RA. who then sent someone to sit with me. I had wanted to die. End my life completely. I no longer felt loved or needed.
Well I ended up in the hospital, only to be brought back home. I think God's plan of healing - was different. I joined The Living Passover shortly after coming home - still watched like a hawk. Therapy is still a weekly thing for me. A very good friend of mine sent me Bible verses, and checked in frequently. She also told me I didn't need to hurt myself anymore because the scars Christ bore…were enough. No more blood needed to be spilt.
As of today I am 9 months Self Harm Free.
and 6 Months Purge Free.
On occasion I still look in the mirror and say;
"I am a Princess, daughter of the King of Kings who made me and knows me. I am made perfect in him." - K.V.Grant
I am still alive, I am still here. I would have missed my first Broadway Audition, Disney Audition, 12 Hour driven trip alone, My wonderful little tiny dancers who mean the world to me, and I think about my girls and my Crosswalk family. I know I am loved. But I still have bad days everyone does, and I think I always will. However my good days outnumber the bad.
I hope my story will be the beginning of a testimony that I can share with other girls who need help and proof that healing is possible even if it takes a while.
- KR
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