So everyone is loving the snow right now and I wish I could too, however its really messing with my weekly therapy sessions. For example the other night I was roughing up the bottom of a new pair of pointe shoes with my exacto knife, the knife slipped and sliced my finger. No big deal really - only it was for me.
I used to self injure a lot…I'm almost a year "clean" or "cut free" from my own voluntary actions. So the cut was a big deal for me. At first I freaked out because, 1) I was already stressed about the snow and 2) I hadn't had a session in 2 weeks. So the accident happened and I rinsed my finger, but while doing all that I was really scared because I wanted to do it again.
I did not. I had self control. I picked up the knife cleaned it and put it away with my art things, bandaged my finger and sat on my bed. Which is when I saw one of my Jesus Today books. Well I already know that I won't have therapy again this week and I desperately need it - when the thought occurred to me that Jesus is my counsellor, he's really the one who's going to fix me. He wants me to cling to him in those moments. Which I did - very desperately. I sat and prayed asking him to help me have the self control not to fall back into evil ways because he bears my scars now and I don't need to do it myself.
I then saw the clock and it was time for dance - a blessing in disguise I think, because after that I felt significantly better. A cinderella bandaid on my finger and I'm still 9 months clean.
Today was better, I thought about yesterday a lot and thought I would share. I don't know what else to say except I know Jesus loves me and I know I need him - all the time. I keep thinking of a good friends words to me.
I am beautiful, its ok to cry, Jesus had emotions, he bears my scars so I don't have to. He loves me so that his blood was shed for me, so I don't have to do it all on my own. He knows my pain if only I would talk to him when I feel this way. I am a child of the king and he loves me.
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