So everyone is loving the snow right now and I wish I could too, however its really messing with my weekly therapy sessions. For example the other night I was roughing up the bottom of a new pair of pointe shoes with my exacto knife, the knife slipped and sliced my finger. No big deal really - only it was for me.
I used to self injure a lot…I'm almost a year "clean" or "cut free" from my own voluntary actions. So the cut was a big deal for me. At first I freaked out because, 1) I was already stressed about the snow and 2) I hadn't had a session in 2 weeks. So the accident happened and I rinsed my finger, but while doing all that I was really scared because I wanted to do it again.
I did not. I had self control. I picked up the knife cleaned it and put it away with my art things, bandaged my finger and sat on my bed. Which is when I saw one of my Jesus Today books. Well I already know that I won't have therapy again this week and I desperately need it - when the thought occurred to me that Jesus is my counsellor, he's really the one who's going to fix me. He wants me to cling to him in those moments. Which I did - very desperately. I sat and prayed asking him to help me have the self control not to fall back into evil ways because he bears my scars now and I don't need to do it myself.
I then saw the clock and it was time for dance - a blessing in disguise I think, because after that I felt significantly better. A cinderella bandaid on my finger and I'm still 9 months clean.
Today was better, I thought about yesterday a lot and thought I would share. I don't know what else to say except I know Jesus loves me and I know I need him - all the time. I keep thinking of a good friends words to me.
I am beautiful, its ok to cry, Jesus had emotions, he bears my scars so I don't have to. He loves me so that his blood was shed for me, so I don't have to do it all on my own. He knows my pain if only I would talk to him when I feel this way. I am a child of the king and he loves me.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Footprints in the Sand.
See where the two sets of foot prints end, and there are only one? - It was then I carried you.
I saw that on pintrest a while back and its always tugged on my heart just a little bit - Ok a lot a bit. Well, a lot has happened in the last year. I look back and see where I was and what I've become each and every day. This time though - God was there.
I graduated high school and was accepted to Liberty University. - My first semester, I got into a theatre production as a freshman, which was kind of unheard of around there. I knew God had blessed me with a gift in performance, but I didn't use it right. During middle school I developed a need to hurt myself physically. My relationship with God was nonexistent. Well I had accepted him into my heart when I was seven, but we weren't walking together - yet.
I was anxious and worried all the time, and felt the need to get the emotions out without crying. I would instead reach for a blade. Senior year of high school - I was finally settled into Williamsburg, but not really. Inside I was a battered mess. Diet Pills, Self Harming, and Purging were all a part of my life - I was headed down a dark path close to drowning.
It was during that time he carried me, there was no way that I was strong enough to walk that journey. I was struggling and defeated as it was. I wasn't going to last much longer without HIM.
A woman picked me up and knocked some sense into me. But I'll tell that story later. I want to talk about what happened a year and three days ago. I had come back to my dorm at Liberty from a therapy session. It had not been pleasant for me. No one in the quad - I didn't feel safe. I called my RA. who then sent someone to sit with me. I had wanted to die. End my life completely. I no longer felt loved or needed.
Well I ended up in the hospital, only to be brought back home. I think God's plan of healing - was different. I joined The Living Passover shortly after coming home - still watched like a hawk. Therapy is still a weekly thing for me. A very good friend of mine sent me Bible verses, and checked in frequently. She also told me I didn't need to hurt myself anymore because the scars Christ bore…were enough. No more blood needed to be spilt.
As of today I am 9 months Self Harm Free.
and 6 Months Purge Free.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
On occasion I still look in the mirror and say;
"I am a Princess, daughter of the King of Kings who made me and knows me. I am made perfect in him." - K.V.Grant
I am still alive, I am still here. I would have missed my first Broadway Audition, Disney Audition, 12 Hour driven trip alone, My wonderful little tiny dancers who mean the world to me, and I think about my girls and my Crosswalk family. I know I am loved. But I still have bad days everyone does, and I think I always will. However my good days outnumber the bad.
I hope my story will be the beginning of a testimony that I can share with other girls who need help and proof that healing is possible even if it takes a while.
- KR
I saw that on pintrest a while back and its always tugged on my heart just a little bit - Ok a lot a bit. Well, a lot has happened in the last year. I look back and see where I was and what I've become each and every day. This time though - God was there.
I graduated high school and was accepted to Liberty University. - My first semester, I got into a theatre production as a freshman, which was kind of unheard of around there. I knew God had blessed me with a gift in performance, but I didn't use it right. During middle school I developed a need to hurt myself physically. My relationship with God was nonexistent. Well I had accepted him into my heart when I was seven, but we weren't walking together - yet.
I was anxious and worried all the time, and felt the need to get the emotions out without crying. I would instead reach for a blade. Senior year of high school - I was finally settled into Williamsburg, but not really. Inside I was a battered mess. Diet Pills, Self Harming, and Purging were all a part of my life - I was headed down a dark path close to drowning.
It was during that time he carried me, there was no way that I was strong enough to walk that journey. I was struggling and defeated as it was. I wasn't going to last much longer without HIM.
A woman picked me up and knocked some sense into me. But I'll tell that story later. I want to talk about what happened a year and three days ago. I had come back to my dorm at Liberty from a therapy session. It had not been pleasant for me. No one in the quad - I didn't feel safe. I called my RA. who then sent someone to sit with me. I had wanted to die. End my life completely. I no longer felt loved or needed.
Well I ended up in the hospital, only to be brought back home. I think God's plan of healing - was different. I joined The Living Passover shortly after coming home - still watched like a hawk. Therapy is still a weekly thing for me. A very good friend of mine sent me Bible verses, and checked in frequently. She also told me I didn't need to hurt myself anymore because the scars Christ bore…were enough. No more blood needed to be spilt.
As of today I am 9 months Self Harm Free.
and 6 Months Purge Free.
On occasion I still look in the mirror and say;
"I am a Princess, daughter of the King of Kings who made me and knows me. I am made perfect in him." - K.V.Grant
I am still alive, I am still here. I would have missed my first Broadway Audition, Disney Audition, 12 Hour driven trip alone, My wonderful little tiny dancers who mean the world to me, and I think about my girls and my Crosswalk family. I know I am loved. But I still have bad days everyone does, and I think I always will. However my good days outnumber the bad.
I hope my story will be the beginning of a testimony that I can share with other girls who need help and proof that healing is possible even if it takes a while.
- KR
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